The scalp you've always deserved
Long the cure. Short the hair.
- Regrow nothingThe only honest plan
- Hold longerFees buy the basket
- Shine moreWind resistance: low
- Get certifiedFive questions
$BALD is a satirical fund token launching on GlazeCorp. It is not a hair treatment, and it is not affiliated with Hims & Hers, Eli Lilly, or the BONER project. No Rx required.
The lineup
More care to regrow nothing
Fund fees buy a basket. The basket does not buy hair. The Foundation picks what goes in it.
10% · the adult
Tokenized LLY
Eli Lilly, in medicine since 1876. Longer than your hairline has been in retreat.
40% · mutuals
Tokenized HIMS
They sell the cure. We hold the company. If you can't beat the hair-loss industry, accumulate it.
50% · long
BONER
A memecoin paired with tokenized HIMS. Half the fund.
The fund token
$BALD
A claim on the basket. Trade it, or burn it to withdraw your share. Hair not included.
- LLY
- 10%
- HIMS
- 40%
- BONER
- 50%
- Hair
- 0%
Percentages are the target for future purchases, set by manager vote. They can change, and nothing already in the treasury is sold to match. Holding $BALD is not ownership of LLY or HIMS shares. Not a compounded product. No Rx required.
Notes
“Hair left. I stayed.”
“At least this one said so.”
“I check the chart now.”
Made up. The photos are not these people.
How it works
Launching on GlazeCorp- 01
Take the Mine
Pay USDG. Earn $BALD. One miner at a time.
- 02
We pick the basket
50% BONER, 40% HIMS, 10% LLY. Future buys only.
- 03
Traders fill it
They sell the fund those assets for USDG.
- 04
The treasury keeps it
$BALD the fund receives is burned.
What you hold
- A claim on the treasury. Trade it, or burn it to withdraw your share.
- Price can sit above or below the treasury. Backing is not a floor.
- LLY and HIMS in the fund are not shares in your name.
$BALD
Coming soon
- Contract
- Coming soon. Posted here, and only here.
- Launchpad
- GlazeCorp
- Chain
- Robinhood Chain
- Explorer
- Coming soon
- Chart
- Coming soon
From the GlazeCorp docs. The creator can change fees, votes, and future buys. The treasury has no function that lets the creator take its assets. Crypto can go to zero.
Support from someone who has lost it all.
Marcus T., Chief Acceptance Officer
Special interest: premature exits. Of hair, and of positions.
A calm presence through every market cycle. And every hair cycle.
What would you like to discuss?
Marcus is fictional and not a licensed provider of anything. Consultations take about a minute.
How long can you keep pretending?
Our proprietary assessment measures your readiness to stop checking the mirror.
Entertainment only. This assessment does not diagnose anything, including hair loss.
FAQ
A little paperwork for a long position.
Ready when your hairline is.
Let it go. Hold the rest. Your follicles have exited. Your conviction doesn't have to.
Nothing here is financial or medical advice. Your hairline thanks you anyway.